It's really quite embarassing and a long story and at first I was worried that somehow he would find this online journal but I thought to myself that no one reads this blog anway and even if they did, none of them are my sculpture buddies none-the-less the someone that I am talking about in this case.
I'm extremely attracted to my 44 year-old sculpture professor and when I fall into attraction it takes forever to get out and I fall hard into it! 44... not a big deal... if I were say in my late 20s. I'm 18. That's 26 years age difference. Not that it matters anyhow because I think this guy is too much of a gentleman to ever initiate something with me anyhow.
It started on the first day of class I kind of had this impression that he was a little attracted to me. I'm not used to guys just being nice. It seems to me that usually when they are so nice and such outward gentlemen they generally want something from you. So I picked up on some sort of kindless the first day. A few weeks into the class a wink and a blown kiss. That realyl clued me and I remember thinking to myself 'No way would I ever date this man!"
I didn't know his age or anything. I guess he was in his early 40s. I didn't think that he was any more than that and I just remember thinking to myself that I couldn't be attracted to someone of his size, texture or--age. But I got to know him after that. I decided that there was something alluring about him and decided it would be fun to just talk to him and woudl benefit me to be more comfortable in the class rather than up tight and so concerned about "fitting in." It was keeping me from fitting in, on teh contrary, to be that way. So within 2 weeks I had decided that yes, I was attracted to my professors personality for sure. Not so much his physical appearance or anything but definately I was attracted to his personality.
A week later I began seeing signs that I was attracted to him physically and BAAM it hit. Now I am completely attracted to him and I had begun flirting and trying to get to know him better.
I've never been the type of girl that outwardly says what she is thinking. Whether the remark be smart-ass, kinky, flirtacious, corny, idiotic or smart. I've always tended to think about what I was saying to avoid sounding like a bumbling idiot when I spoke and then I'd end up tripping over my tongue and my words more so worrying that I was going to say what I was really thinking.
All of a sudden this new part of me broke out where before I could think of a way to hide what I was thinking, it just came out. Word for word verbatim what I was thinking in my head two seconds before and the phsycial actions that I had put along with that. I became out of control. I mean, it's not like I was pressing my professor onto his desk and saying "C'mon baby, lets go!" it was just some psycho-bable about my favorite pshchology book and my answering his question but what it was that got me and that really made me realize that I was acting quite different than usual was when I stroked his arm while talking to him an afterwards lightly moved my hand up his back! It was awkward right after I did that. Not because he was not approving of it (he wasn't disapproving of it at all) but basically because I had never been that unmonitored. Never had I let myself be that carefree with something like that and it was just strange and awkward and new and that, in my opinion, was a bit straight forward-- a good little clue into the fact that I had some sort of attraction to him.
The weeks following proved to be nothing less than a whole bucket of fun for me literally. I flirted and was flirted back to. He is a definite flirt. If nothing ever happens between us I hope we always flirt. Haha. Sadly to say but you know it's just so fun. I haven't been into the art of flirting my whole life so this is really great! It's new to me. I love it.
ANYHOW so while we're been flirting with one another, the last day of class someone of some sort of relationship stature with him (a female-- not sure what they are to one another) was in class with him. That was a surprise and a kind of embarassing one on my part.
I show up to class in a pleted corduroy khaki green mini shirt and my new favorite t shirt that says "Don't get burnt by a Little Pecker." I wore my cute little high heels that matched well and I had my make up done... but not over done. Basically I looked great and walked in fashionably late, strutting my stuff to strutt it to a woman sittin at hsi desk and him with his back towards me as I grinned ear to ear and quickly lost that grin within a matter of moments.
The way the evening went was just bizarre and confusing for me at the least.
Adrian, a friend of my professors who I had flirted with in the beginning of the semester by talking to him for a good hour or two, showed up. I was convinced that if he saw me he'd not eve remember my name. I figured I'd not made any sort of impression and he probably didn't even know I existed. WRONG!
We started talking about 15 minutes after he came in and didn't stop talking on and off until 11 PM when Russ said it was time to clean up for the party and start his last class of the night and of the semester.
Everyone got their hugs from Russ-- except for me. I felt left out very much but you know that is life. It was an odd ending to the night and the semester.
Adrian actually ended up driving me "home. But we ended up taking from 11:30 PM to 2:15 AM. We talked about a lot of thigns while walking on the beach, which was very interesting. He obviously had not forgotten about me. In fact, our friend had told him that I was attracted to him so-- there was that whole matter out of the ocean. I didn't have to hide it and I didn't have to deny it or act on it. I just had to go with the flow and the flow went fine. He talked about his ex girlfriend and I talked a bit about Russell and learned a little bit.
THEN there is today. I got to see Russ again. That was nice-- except that Pam was there, too. Haha. I now see that they are inseparable but I stood up for myself and I basically told him he owed me a hug. I got one, which was nice and.... really it's sad how much pleasure I have just from a hug. Haha. But you know--whatever you really can't control your feelings about someone...who knows what will happen. maybe a week or two will go by and I'll be like "Russ who? Theres only Adrian!" Or "Who????? " for both. LOL. I know it's a lot of fun for right now and that's all I need to know. I'll just enjoy life and infatuation as it comes.
Life is GRAND!