All my life, since I was little, I have played one of my favorite games. The "What If..." game. I used to sit there as a kid asking myself and sometimes even other people "What if this happened... what would you do?" I never understood why people got so exhausted playing that game with me or why they got so frustrated. It is just something that I've always done in life. I am always thinking about what could happen and what I would do if that one scenario did happen. I am always planning what is going to happen next, what I am going to say or do or how I am going to react. I've tried to control life like that and there is no possible way to control my life. Only God can do that and you know I guess I've sort of let him take control of it lately!
It's not been about what if lately. It's been about "this is...". I think it's the first time I've been living a sort of day at a time lifestyle.
I've let go of what "everyone thinks about me." I have waisted SO much of my life wondering how people thought about me and how they would treat me if I were a certain way. I've worried about what people would think if I decided to be intentionally rude for once in my life or if I decided to wear something different or not "normal." I've stopped trying to please everyone becuase, you know, you can't please everyone! Everyone has critics; and there is nothing worse than being your own worst critic. To sit there and degrade yourself over and over again thinking "You could look so much better if only you lost x-amount of pounds." You know-- accept who you are. That's what I am doing lately. it only took me 18 years to discover and learn the art. I've not yet mastered it but I plan on doing so by the time I am hm-- we'll say 50. Haha! Give me a little extra time.
I've decided what my plan is. Obviously school is not my thing. I have hated school since I was a child. I've never related to people my own age and I always feel so uncomfortable around them. As if there is something that I have to hide or something that I have to be in order to be worthy of being around them. It's not like I'm higher above or lower than anyone else just that I don't feel quite "there" with them. I've tried for what? 15 years to try to get my mom to tell me "Marisa, honey, you don't have to go to school-- I can see you don't like it-- it's not for you!" And finally she comes out and says it my first semester in college. It became evident to her that I am not getting good grades and I am not into it. Afterbeing in school for half of a semester she realized I still had not called any friends and gone out with them. I was still me-- the loner I always have been and probably always will be-- sitting at home in front of a piece of paper, or a computer screen or a microphone doing something that was creative. And when it came to the opportunity to go and do things with "kids my age" I still had no interest. My mother actually recommended I not go to my college next semester and that instead, I go to massage school, since I am a natural at giving back massages and I enjoy it. When I do that, as soon as I get my license I can make up to $60 an hour. It's only 150 credit hours which is less than a semester of school full time. If I want a national lisence it's 550 credit hours which is still not bad. Then I can move anywhere and do anything and be licensed etceteras.
is
Beautiful!
We figured it out and if, after I earn my license in massage, I massage 5 hours a day, five days a week all year long at $60 an hour I will make approximately $75000 a year. But that's just my back up. My little cushion if I fall back from what I want to and will make my primary career.
I'm going to be an actress. My first movie audition is in June. It's an independent film but many A-list Hollywood actors and actresses had their beginning in independent films as well. My mom's friend is a producer and she got me to do her a favor and be an extra in a film. She was not necessarily expecting any real talent but when I came to the screen she immediately fell in love with me--as well as the director himself. The director began talking to Sonia about how long I had been acting-- how much potential I had. As soon as I get my drivers license, Sonia is going to pull a connection at Central Casting (One of Hollywood's biggest casting companies) and she feels that I will move up in the industry rather quickly. I will start off doing some extra roles in A list films. Sonia thinks that I will need to do only three or four and then I will most likely move to a cameo. She feels that after two cameos or so I will move to a small speaking role and within a year or two, to a primary character in an A-list film. While it is all seeming too good to be true it is only because we have looked at the bigger picture. The smaller picture is just to see step by step and that means my getting my deivers lisence and being an extra or even an actual primary role in the independent film this summer as well as attending massage school in the fall during the times that I am not working.
I'm so excited that I am finding myself. I can't believe that all these years I have been so up-tight about being something that I was not. Sculpture class, I think, has really helped me to find myself. It has really relaxed me and I've been able to develop myself artistically as well as personally. I'm not afraid to wear things that are different than the hottest fashion trend, or to speak my mind or to tease a guy or flirt with them. I'm not afraid to just be who I am although sometimes I appear to be rather stupid. I like that part of me, actually. I like that I can say something ridiculous and have people laugh at it and that I can laugh at myslef with them. I'm glad that I can be made fun of now and that my feelings don't get hurt; and I love that I am learning how to take a compliment! That makes life so much easier!
But most of all I'm just accepting me as me and I'm not concerned anymore, for what people think about me. I'm not going to change myself to be more acceptable in people's eyes. That is ridiculous and something I refuse to do from this point on.
Life
is
Beautiful!
Marisa