I've spent my whole life wanting to be a singer and just about everything else famous that you can imagine and I only recently realized that I really have put nothing in to get me there. I feel like such a lazy person. My mom and everyone else that I know (almost) tell me how driven I am and I think they are mistaken. Sure I don't take no for an answer and when i really want something I get it. But when it comes to career I don't think I really DO go for it 100%.
With my singing it is a confidence issue. I used to be really confident when I moved from Wisconsin to California. I tried out for the most talented group of high school level singers. You were supposed to be in the class for at least a year before you coudl try out for "Aristocracy." My teacher insisted that I'd not be ready. She had made her decision as to whether I codl try for the group of not with less than a month to choose a song, get the accompaniment and practice the song, get your site singing skills up to par and such, when the other students had at least three months to do all of that. Time came around and I ended up being in the middle of the auditions. More than 40 students came to audition and only 12 or so were going to make it. I was not nervous. I was more excityed than anything and I got up there and I did a good job and eventually found out that I made the group without a struggle at all. I had confidence back then. I had confidence when I had to switch schools after that and was one of the most talented singers at my school because I had to be in teh regular choir because I had missed the auditions for the advanced choir at my new high school. Then the next year I went to the advanced choir at South. I had somehow lost my confidence. When it came around to do the finals for each semester (performing in front of the whole class) suddenly I was nervous. i was not excited anymore... I was scared to make a fool of myself and to not hit my notes correctly or with the right texture. When we had auditions for solos in class (randomly, we were called upon to sing the part to see if our voice fit it) and my heart would beat so fast and I woudl sound simply terrible. I've lost a lot of confidence and I don't know why. I am plannong on getting vocal training now, though. This last trip to Las Vegas was a big wake up call. I can't go making other thigns my priority... I have other things that I love to see and do and such... I need to take advantage of those.
With my acting there is absolutely no issue. I was in a movie as an extra. A b-rate movie mind you, but still a movie. The director immediately chose me to put in a scene and then after that, he chose me as often as possible ot be placed within the view of the camera. He told the producer (a friend of mine and my mom's) that he really liked me and thought that I had potential. Sonya (the producer) told me form teh very first night that I was there that I was going to be "a star." I thought that was to boost my confidence and make me feel good because she knew be but I found out that it was not just to do that at all. She asked me back for another night and I was already addicted to it. There are some people who cannot tollerate the scene being repeated over and over again with only a slight change in character or tone of voice or lighting. Some people cannot tollerate the repetetiveness of the situation or the rate at which something is produced but I loved it. I found it fascinating seeing how it all worked, hearing the titles of the different people on the scene, the sort of thigns that went on there. Sonya, since then, has asked that I try for the leading role of another film that she has coming up. After I get that film under my belt she would like to refer me to her friend at Central Casting and she feels that I would quickly move from an extra in A list films to possibly a leading role in a matter of a year or less. She has a lot of confidence in me and me too. I have been told since I was young that I was a natural actress and I hope so because I can dfinately see myself doing that for a living. I love it. My audition for the leading role of the film in June. I was given the script before it was even edited at all, have read it cover to cover and am excited to try out for such a character (I cannot share which kind at the moment) and am really honored that I was given the script so early in advance because someone has so much confidence in me that they'd like for me to try out for the movie. Not only is Sonya producing this film but she is also a casting director for it and that is why it is so flattering that she has asked me to read for the leading role because if I do it well, I have it!!!!! I'm bery excited about that!
With writing, I am always very confident and always have been in my writing abilities. Since I was very young I have had an interest in that. I remember the first book I wrote was in second grade. I titled it 'White Bunny and Brown Bunny." I still have it today. It was so cute. It was about a white bunny and a brown bunny making friends with one another and such. Recently I've had a poem published in two poetry books and read on a cd professionally. I plan on one day writing a children's book and a regular novel as well.... a screenplay or two or three or four (I really enjoy writing screenplays) and some music. I definately want to write music and record an album. Even if it is just one and it doesn't do well, i want to try and I want to see what I can do with it.
Photography is something I just do in my free time and I don't think it is something I'd be interested in doing as a profession for all of my life. I am no Anne Geddes or Ansel Adams. I'm just a me. Haha.
Dancing, Drawing, Sculpture... those are things I just want to do for fun as well and maybe make alittle extra cash off of.
Anyhow... that's career stuff. Haha. Obviously that is bothering me right now. There are so many people who I am meeting lately who are asking me 'Oh, you're in college! What's your major?" and I tell them "I don't know yet... I'm not quite sure." And they proceed to ask me "well, what do you want to do with your life." I've now become accustomed to saying that I want to do everything. People look at me like I am insane and they ask me what I mean and I say that I want to do everything artistically. Most people admire that I have such ambition but seem to think that I cannot do that. I think that I can. Maybe not all of it will be a profession but as long as I can know a little bit about everything I want to, i will be pleased. if I can draw someone that I see well enough to recognize them or paint something like Van Gogh and have it be noticable that i was attempting to have that effect then I am happy. If I can make a sculpture that someone seems enthralled and interested in and that inspires someone to think they might want to take sculpture then great. That's what I want to do. if I can make a few songs and I can release an album and have 10 people that I didnt know before then come up to me and tell me that they like my voice and that they felt something in a song then that is what I want to do. I'd love for more than that music wise, but as long as that happens, i am fine. If I can write or act or anything and inspire people then that..... THAT is what i want to do and that is what I will do. I won't stand to do anything else in my life.
I want to move into a house so badly. Just a small house with my mom. A little three bedroom or even two bedroom... with a living room, a kitchen, a dining room and a garage.... two bathrooms. I want to do this for a few reasons.
First of all... I like to listen to my music loudly and most of the time late at night is when I most feel like singing and belting out notes etcetera. We got some new neighbors that are not all too tollerant of that. The other neighbors that we have are so kind and actually enjoy hearing me singing and never have once complained to us. These new neighbors though are finnicky. I want a garage for this purpose.
If I had a garage I would save my money to buy a computer and a program to create music with. I'd get a professional grade microphone that coudl attach and hook into my computer and I'd record songs on that. I could belt out my notes late at night and not disturb neighbors or my mom and I woudl feel comfortable enough to let all of my voice come out rather than controlling it so much all the time and only letting some of the emotion come out for fear of waking the baby next door etceteras. We could also put my mom's craft stuff in there and we could have SO much more space in the house and the house woudl not get so dirty.
If we had a house that we rented, I could paint the walls in my room and make it really pretty. I'd have an excuse to get new furniture and wall shelves and I'd have a room to decorate without having our overly controlling apartment manager freak out and make rude comments to us (long story).
Two bathrooms are necessary because my mom and I can a) never agree on a style for the interior decor. b) We need our own space and do not like to share hairsprays, toothpastes, shampoos and conditioners etcetera. it's not so much mw who doesn't like to share but more my mom who has become stingy these past few years of having her own bathroom.
It would be so nice to have all of that and we probably will soon. I'm so excied!
That's all for now. I feel cleansed. Haha.
Marisa