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Jul 21, 2004
This is going to be sheer torture, man!
I gotta' go on a NO carb diet for the next two weeks so that I can lose aound ten pounds for an audition for a movie roll called "the bikini girl." LOL. Yeah. I'm really excited about it because it will give me a chance to just be goofy. It's a really comedic roll, from what the producer tells me. The only thing is that some guy--whoever gets the roll, has to cup my breast under my bikini. LOL. IT'S JUST A CHARACTER. But it sounds like a lot of fun for me.
I won't get paid because it's really low budget and pretty much just for fun, but I would get movie credits and more experience. It would be a one-day shoot in September.
Anyway so that is that.
On the other hand, I am beginning to think that there will never be a time that I can go to Las Vegas and just relax. I think from here on in it is going to be meeting after meeting after meeting.
I spoke with some people about the planning of the convention and such so that is going to be something that I need to follow up on each time that I am there. I'm going to need to meet with those people to discuss a few things each time that I am there and also make timefor the friends that I am meeting.... have some drinks with some friends on the "...New Day..." team and stuff like that.
This last trip to Las Vegas I met and hung out with (let's count) Brittany R, Brittany J, Meg, Sarah, Nick, Kim, her friend Amber, Beckie, Sunny, Darryl, Vicky, and Kelly. What is that? Like 12 people? Plus I met another guy named Martin. I ran into dancers, and also a bar-tender that Kelly and I met last New Years Eve; had a meeting with two people with Caesars Palace, and ran into René Angélil and spoke with him very briefly about the idea. I only got a half an hour of pool time in the whole time that we were in Las Vegas, which is crazy! But I think that it makes my trips fun and a bit adventurous. I'm not complaining by any means. I love the adrenaline of stuff like meeting new people. I think it's fantastic... and of course any meeting with anyone important with a big corporation, company or anything makes you feel pretty darn important (even if you're really not).
Kelly came out here on July 4th and left on the 15th. It was a ton of fun and was really almost non-stop fun. When we had just a relax-at-my-pool day it felt like we were being lazy to me. Or when I was on the internet doing something for a couple of hours before going to the beach to hunt for shells and then going to Hollywood until late at night, it felt like we should be up and going somewhere else.
The first day that she was here we drove around to a bunch of beaches. We drove past Manhattan Beach then thought of going down to Hermosa Beach but it was insanely busy down there and God only knows if we would have found a parking spot if we'd have looked for another 5 hours. We tried Redondo Beach but their parking structure was full as well and it just isn't exactly the atmosphere that we wanted on the 4th at Redondo. So then we drove past Torrance and we stopped there for a little bit and walked on the beach. Kelly wanted to just sit in teh sand for a little so we did but I was really anxious due to PMS and I dunno' what else. But I was in a hurry. After that we drove to see my mom at an AA Round-Up/Convention. So we introduced my mom and Kelly, left and went to the mall for a tiny bit to look for a dress for me for Las Vegas. Then we went driving up to Palos Verdes to see the sunset and scenery, which was really pretty and stuff like that and Kelly liked it. We went back to my house and I gave Kelly a pedicure and we did little face masks. We watched some fireworks from my bedroom window and then tried to watch the movie "Hook" but Kelly started to fall asleep she ws so exhausted.
The second day we went to Hollywood. But we didn't just do Hollywood. We did Rodeo Drive, Beverly Hills, Bel Aire, the Walk of Fame, Manns' Chinese Theater and then took some pictures in front of the Kodak.
We were on our way to Bel Aire when I saw the Rodeo Drive sign so we just went there and parked in a free-parking-for-two-hours spot. We went looking in all the shops like Chanel, Prada, Yves Saint Laurent, Gucci, Louis Vuitton, Dolce & Gabana and all that good stuff. It was neat. We went back to the car and went to drive down to the Walk of Fame, Mann's Chinese Theater, and the Kodak and we got a little lost but eventually found our way to Hollywood and Highland. We took pictures in front of Céline's star and looked for Marilyn Monroe's hand prints at Mann's. We found a whole lot of people that our hands matched in, which was interesting. LOL. Didn't know that Kelly and I had the same sized hands--or just about the same. After that we went to go see if we coudln't' go on one of those Kodak tours but they weren't touring the 5th of July, so we didn't do that. We went for a walk down along the Walk of Fame and Kelly took some pictures of some other people's stars. Then we went back to our car and we headed to Bel Aire.
We'd bought a Star Map so Kelly said that she absolutely had to see the Osbourne's house. So we found their house first and stood outside a while. Kelly thought she could hear him yellin' and so did the other people that were there and after that we just went for a drive and happened to pass a lot of other people's houses. We went past Elvis' house, Julie Andrews, Hugh Hefner, Ronald Reagan, Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston and some other guy that had a funky house with a lot of architecture and sculpture stuff outside of it.... some guy whos name I know but slipped my mind and he drove right past us as we drove past his house. At least we think so.
So we did that and then went to the Beverly Hills Hotel and we took some funny pictures. On top of a piano... on a stage, behind some curtains.... Just funny stuff.
The third day we were GOING to go to Disneyland but we didn't. We ended up going to a bunch of the beaches further up North. We went to Venice Beach, where Céline filmed the "Love Can Move Mountains" video, then to Santa Monica where we ate some McDonalds. We went up to Malibu and looked at a neat are where a creek runs into the ocean and we took some pictures there. Then we went back down to Santa Monica and watched the sunset behind a hill and headed back home.
The fourth day we just walked to the beach and on the way there found my dress for Vegas. We lazed on the beach and on the way back up to my house we picked up my dress.
The fifth day we drove to Las Vegas and got there at about 3 PM. We met up with Darryl and Vicky and then had some lunch. We ran into "the chickens," and wished them a good time at their show and took some photos. Then we headed to do some errands with Darryl and stuff like that, met my mom and Jaime at the front of Caesars and stuff like that. At night we waited at the garage.
The sixth day we woke up and met up with Vicky and Darryl again. At 1 PM we had a meeting with some people that work at Caesars and we talked about the convention. After that meeting which lasted about a half an hour to an hour we went to Darryl's hotel room and decided the game plan for the rest of the night which ended up with us leaving and getting ready to go see Zumanity.
Zumanity was fantastic. No words described it. I think it was one of the most beautiful shows I have seen and the theater was very small and intimate which was wonderful for the environment of the show.
We waited at the garage again that night.
The seventh day we went shopping for the shoes and the purse for my dress for the show that night. After that we headed back to the hotel to get our stuff so that we could get ready for the show over at Caesars. We went and picked up Vicky's stuff, too and then headed over to Caesars from the Flamingo. We left our stuff in the hotel room and were dressed in pool attire and Kelly remembered that she had forgotten her TeamCéline print out so we could not get our tickets without it. So we took Darryl's laptop down to the business center and we ran into René down there, talked to him for a little bit, printed the info we needed, headed to get our tickets and then went to the pool for a half an hour before getting ready for the show. We were almost late for the show and just barely made it, but we made it. We had an awesome time in the audience, too. We met up with some of the dancers and with my friend and then it was time to go. I needed sleep. I was not in the best of moods.
The eighth day was time to leave Las Vegas. We stopped at a lake where Jaime's brother and sister and law were at their little cabin and we swam for a bit because our van was not air conditioned and it started in Vegas at 115 degrees as we headed home. We got home late at night and went to sleep as soon as we got home, basically.
The ninth day was spent relaxing and recouperating from the craziness of the day. We spent some time in the pool (or at least I did. Kelly was tanning.) Then we, I think, ended up doing something that night but I can't remember. Maybe we didn't.
The next day was Disneyland. We went and we had a good time. We didn't ever have to wait in a line too terribly long which was great!
Then we relaxed at my house again. Kelly slept on and off and I was on the computer until 3 PM and then we went to the beach and hunted for some shells for Kelly. After that my mom drove us up to Hollywood again. They were actually holding the ESPY awards there that night so it was exciting. We played with some make-up in Sephora, did some souvenir shopping for Kelly's friends and then we headed home. We ate at Carnys where Leno eats sometimes and then got home at about 1 AM. It was crazy!
The next day it was time for Kelly to leave. I cried more than she did which is odd because usually it is the opposite way.
So I've been enjoying my time by myself a little bit... but it's funny. I was supposed to work that Friday but I ended up not having to so I didn't. I had that day all to myself which was wonderful. Saturday my mom and I went to Six Flags Magic Mountain and it was hot as hell! We stayed there 'till practically closing and then we drove home, driving RIGHT PAST the fires which scared the crap out of me. But we survived. I also got a really bad bladder infection.....so I'm suffering from that right now.
Sunday night I went on a "date" with a guy named Adrian. I've liked him for a while and whe we go out it's usually like three hours of conversation. We talked from 11 PM to like almost 3 AM. Then on Monday, because of all the pain I realized I was in on my date, I called in and cancelled and made a doctor's appointment.
Turns out that they're sending my sample out to be analyzed because she wants to make sure that it hasn't spread into my kidneys because of how fast it came on. YICK.
Yesterday I worked which was nice to see the kids again and today I am at work, only right now the mom is on a walk with the 1 year old and her mom's group. Owen is in pre-school so I have about 15 to 20 more minutes all to myself before the baby gets home and about another 2 hours before the 4 year old comes home. After that happens we're going to the pool and I'm home at 4.
Tomorrow I'm taping my Oprah video and I'm scanning all the photos that I need to get printed and stuff like that. Friday I work, again and all that jazz so I'm keepin' busy.
Anyway I'm gonna' go hard boil me some Eggs because I can have as many of those as I want to without breaking my diet. Maybe I'll have some tuna fish on........(sighs) I dunno' what! :-(
Posted at 10:33 am by LVCeline5
Jun 16, 2004
Tonight I kinda' lost it. I think it is that I've had three full days of kids (soon to be 4) and that's a big difference and big adjustment from the schedule I was having while I was in school. Plus you add in there the chaos of Disneyland and the Aquarium and children running around and you have a bit of exhaustion.
Other things hit me too. Like fear and emotion I've tried not to let get to me so I just kind of had a melt down.
It happened, funny enough, after watching Jessica Simpson's episode of 'Driven' on VH1. I just can't watch those shows because it just makes me sick about myself. Like why I haven't decided to pay for voice lessons when I want them so badly and stuff like that. It just fristrates me to know that I could do just as good as those people on American Idol or that are on "Driven." I could be just as good as the Jessica Simpson's, Mandy Moores and Britney Spears' out there.
So I got upset from watching "Driven" and then I came to my computer and just got more fristrated. Then it restarted and I was angry at my computer so I just decided to go for a run. I got into some tennis shoes and I ran until I was just angry and started to cry a little about nothing in particular. I called my best friend and she didnt answer her phone. Then I ran a while and called another friend and just walked to the beach.
Now I am completely exhausted and I have to work tomorrow at 9 AM so I think that I am going to go and hit the sack.
Goodnight.
Posted at 11:54 pm by LVCeline5
Jun 14, 2004
Woe is Me.................NOT!
Today was a good day. I woke up at around noon which is normal for me when I have the opportunity. To some point I like doing that and to another point I hate it because I feel like I am so unproductive. But I can't help it if I'm a night owl and I like nights much better than I do the day!
So anyway, I woke up somewhere around noon when my mom brought my phone in ringing. It's on high and vibrate so when it rings it RRRRRRINGS! Haha. She brought it in and I looked at the caller ID and it was some area code that I didn't know so I didn't answer but it made me wonder where it was from which is the only reason that I got out of bed. Haha. Otherwise I wouldn't have woken up just then. But I did and I hopped out of bed and got online to check the area code and where it was from. Turned out to be somwehere in Sacramento, CA. They called back later but, again, didn't leave a message. I'm thinking it was one of those places again, that when you put something online-- and you say it's okay to get the information, they call and offer special deals. They did that a while ago with this other area code and number. They have NOT stopped calling it's really annoying. But oh well. I'll just not answer. Blah!!!!!
I cleaned my bathroom today. My make up has been in about eight different bags and has not been at all organized. It's been eye shadows, blushes, concealers, lipsticks and everything all in one. So I got tired of the mess around here and I decided that instead of cleaning THIS area by the computer or in teh kitchen I'd clean my bathroom. So I went thorough all of the make up that I dont use or haven't used in a year. Threw out all the shower gels I haven't used in about a year and stuff... lotions that are half or less than half full that I never use for anything. Face products that are astringent and I know are bad for your face because they dry it out. I actually ended up with only one little box of make up which was great! And by doing that I also figured out how little make up I really wear which was really surprising! Because I put my essentials-- what I wear every day and what my daily routine is in the little drawer by my sink and it turned out ot be under-eye concealer, loose powder, mascara and blush! Compared to the under-eye concealer, liquid face concealer, blush, powder, eye liner, two shades of eye shadows, mascara, brow gel, lip liner, lipstick and lip gloss that a lot of girls wear that's pretty good! Hehe. Not quite all natural but... half way there! it felt nice to clean out underneath my sink, to just clean the bathroom. I had planned on cleaning out the shower when I hopped in there tonight but my mom decided to attempt to do her own personal plumbing job in my bathroom and she broke my sink and is now trying to fix it. I wish she just would calla plumber. It doesn't cost us-- it costs the aprtment manager so what is the big deal? She always uses the excuse "The house isn't clean and it will be ambarassing. We have to clean before we call them." So we clean instead of doing fun stuff and because she has so much crap, it gets dirty within two days becuase sh ebrings her craft stuff into the nice clean living room to watch some TV and then it stays out here and just-- ahh! It's so terrible. I talk about her like she's the adolescent or the person that is needing to be taken care of and in a way it's true but I'm not the one in control. I guess I'm just a bit more practical than she is at times.
Jumping from one subject to another, my friend Kristine and I were talking the other day and she was thinking about taking the opportunity for these tickets to see "A New Day...". A couple of front row seats and then a couple elsewhere and such. She asked if I coud find a way there and I said I didn't know but I'd have to think about it. She wasn't sure if she was going to go but she told me that basically if I found a way out there the room woudl be taken care of. I coudl just stay with her... eat with them and that since she needed to buy a cheap ticket for her two kids anyhow, I could sit front row with her and have a child sit on my lap. But I didn't think she'd really end up going but she did. So it came down to it and I can't go. I'm so bummed out. I was really terribly excited about meeting her and then it turned out that she is going on Wednesday to Las Vegas and I have no way out there. So I won't be going. I need to face that reality. I can't go. I have something like $5 in my bank account right now... there just is no way. Great opportunity but it just is not possible. It's so sad.
I have other obligations though. I have to work and I have to work my ASS off because Kelly is coming out in July and I need to have some money to do things with her. I know that we could do this for a really cheap price and everything... we'll figure something out and it will be fine. And really I don't need any souvenirs from Las Vegas so it's not really a problem at all. But I DO need to pay Kelly the $244.50 for the ticket and also I need to buy a dress for Vegas. Hopefully the one that I want will be on sale at Windsor by July when Kelly comes out here becauseI know what kind of dress I want. I love these few dresses that they have there but they're over $100 and stuff so I mean.... I just... need to have enough money. I may be able to get an advance from Nicole at that time but we'll have to see. I'm really grateful that I'll have just paid my phone bill when Kelly comes out here and it's a lot smaller of a bill so I won't have to worry about that. Maybe if I figured out a little game plan soon I'd feel a lot better and did an estimation of how much it was gonna' cost to do all that we wanted to do.
I know that she really wants to go to Disneyland and I want to take her there. it's just relatively expensive. I mean-- it is REALLY expensive! It's $42 for one day's admission into one of the parks. You can choose either Disneyland of California Adventure. Kelly wants to go to Disneyland which I'm glad about because I have absolutely no interest in California Adventure. Must be the kid at heart. But I'm just trying to find a way to keep it down money wise. I'll figure something out and I know we'll have a kick ass time!
The number of people that I'm meeting in Las Vegas is shrinking and I'm a bit grateful. It will be Sunny, Brittany Jones, me and Kelly all hanging out together. Then there are Brittany Randolph, Kim and her friend Amber, Meagan and Sarah. Me and my little group will wait at Céline's garage for the 7th, 8th and 9th. Kelly and I and Brittany might wait the 10th as well but we're not sure. I don't know but we'll have to see about it all. We know that we're going to have fun, though. We have improv. games planned. An acting one, a musical one, story-telling and just things like that so it will be like a little party. Haha. Maybe Kelly and I should buy some snacks and we'll have a little mini-party waiting for Céline. That would be so cute!
"What Women Want" is on TV right now and I LOVE that movie. It's one of my favorite movies and I just love Helen Hunt. She has been one of my favorite actresses for a long time... I just love her acting. She's really great! And of course Mel Gibson doesn't hurt in a movie either. Haha!
Hmm... well I'm off to get ready for work tomorrow. I am working for a friend of my employer's. They are going to Disneyland tomorrow and are paying my way in, they will probably be paying for my food, then on top of that I am getting paid. I'm getting pait ot have fun in one of the most "fun" places in teh world with a 4 year old little girl and a 2 year old little boy! I'm a little nervous because I don't know the family and I don't know their expectations from their children. I have been with Owen, Trevor and their parents for about 2 years now and one as a part time nanny and I am comfortable with them because I know how the parents discipline and treat their children. What they expect from them in their behavior and their speech and actions and how I treat them but this family could be completely different! I'm sure that it will be fine. I just get nervous with new families. For all that I know I might just end up being one of those people that follows the family around all day to just play with the kids in a long line and make sure that things are fine-- just for the smaller things. Obviously with two parents there they're not going to be expecting me to take care of the kids 24/7 because they're going to be having fun with their kids. So I mean it's not.... going ot be bad. Just a little neve wracking at first. A 4 year old little girl and a 2 year old little boy! Oh the fun! Haha.
Ah there is so much that I am thinking about. OK. I need my shower.
Good night!
Posted at 12:19 am by LVCeline5
Jun 13, 2004
You know... it's really fantastic and amusing when someone that you thought you'd never be attracted to ends up being INCREDIBLY sexy to you only a matter of weeks after meeting them and thinking that.
It's really quite embarassing and a long story and at first I was worried that somehow he would find this online journal but I thought to myself that no one reads this blog anway and even if they did, none of them are my sculpture buddies none-the-less the someone that I am talking about in this case.
I'm extremely attracted to my 44 year-old sculpture professor and when I fall into attraction it takes forever to get out and I fall hard into it! 44... not a big deal... if I were say in my late 20s. I'm 18. That's 26 years age difference. Not that it matters anyhow because I think this guy is too much of a gentleman to ever initiate something with me anyhow.
It started on the first day of class I kind of had this impression that he was a little attracted to me. I'm not used to guys just being nice. It seems to me that usually when they are so nice and such outward gentlemen they generally want something from you. So I picked up on some sort of kindless the first day. A few weeks into the class a wink and a blown kiss. That realyl clued me and I remember thinking to myself 'No way would I ever date this man!"
I didn't know his age or anything. I guess he was in his early 40s. I didn't think that he was any more than that and I just remember thinking to myself that I couldn't be attracted to someone of his size, texture or--age. But I got to know him after that. I decided that there was something alluring about him and decided it would be fun to just talk to him and woudl benefit me to be more comfortable in the class rather than up tight and so concerned about "fitting in." It was keeping me from fitting in, on teh contrary, to be that way. So within 2 weeks I had decided that yes, I was attracted to my professors personality for sure. Not so much his physical appearance or anything but definately I was attracted to his personality.
A week later I began seeing signs that I was attracted to him physically and BAAM it hit. Now I am completely attracted to him and I had begun flirting and trying to get to know him better.
I've never been the type of girl that outwardly says what she is thinking. Whether the remark be smart-ass, kinky, flirtacious, corny, idiotic or smart. I've always tended to think about what I was saying to avoid sounding like a bumbling idiot when I spoke and then I'd end up tripping over my tongue and my words more so worrying that I was going to say what I was really thinking.
All of a sudden this new part of me broke out where before I could think of a way to hide what I was thinking, it just came out. Word for word verbatim what I was thinking in my head two seconds before and the phsycial actions that I had put along with that. I became out of control. I mean, it's not like I was pressing my professor onto his desk and saying "C'mon baby, lets go!" it was just some psycho-bable about my favorite pshchology book and my answering his question but what it was that got me and that really made me realize that I was acting quite different than usual was when I stroked his arm while talking to him an afterwards lightly moved my hand up his back! It was awkward right after I did that. Not because he was not approving of it (he wasn't disapproving of it at all) but basically because I had never been that unmonitored. Never had I let myself be that carefree with something like that and it was just strange and awkward and new and that, in my opinion, was a bit straight forward-- a good little clue into the fact that I had some sort of attraction to him.
The weeks following proved to be nothing less than a whole bucket of fun for me literally. I flirted and was flirted back to. He is a definite flirt. If nothing ever happens between us I hope we always flirt. Haha. Sadly to say but you know it's just so fun. I haven't been into the art of flirting my whole life so this is really great! It's new to me. I love it.
ANYHOW so while we're been flirting with one another, the last day of class someone of some sort of relationship stature with him (a female-- not sure what they are to one another) was in class with him. That was a surprise and a kind of embarassing one on my part.
I show up to class in a pleted corduroy khaki green mini shirt and my new favorite t shirt that says "Don't get burnt by a Little Pecker." I wore my cute little high heels that matched well and I had my make up done... but not over done. Basically I looked great and walked in fashionably late, strutting my stuff to strutt it to a woman sittin at hsi desk and him with his back towards me as I grinned ear to ear and quickly lost that grin within a matter of moments.
The way the evening went was just bizarre and confusing for me at the least.
Adrian, a friend of my professors who I had flirted with in the beginning of the semester by talking to him for a good hour or two, showed up. I was convinced that if he saw me he'd not eve remember my name. I figured I'd not made any sort of impression and he probably didn't even know I existed. WRONG!
We started talking about 15 minutes after he came in and didn't stop talking on and off until 11 PM when Russ said it was time to clean up for the party and start his last class of the night and of the semester.
Everyone got their hugs from Russ-- except for me. I felt left out very much but you know that is life. It was an odd ending to the night and the semester.
Adrian actually ended up driving me "home. But we ended up taking from 11:30 PM to 2:15 AM. We talked about a lot of thigns while walking on the beach, which was very interesting. He obviously had not forgotten about me. In fact, our friend had told him that I was attracted to him so-- there was that whole matter out of the ocean. I didn't have to hide it and I didn't have to deny it or act on it. I just had to go with the flow and the flow went fine. He talked about his ex girlfriend and I talked a bit about Russell and learned a little bit.
THEN there is today. I got to see Russ again. That was nice-- except that Pam was there, too. Haha. I now see that they are inseparable but I stood up for myself and I basically told him he owed me a hug. I got one, which was nice and.... really it's sad how much pleasure I have just from a hug. Haha. But you know--whatever you really can't control your feelings about someone...who knows what will happen. maybe a week or two will go by and I'll be like "Russ who? Theres only Adrian!" Or "Who????? " for both. LOL. I know it's a lot of fun for right now and that's all I need to know. I'll just enjoy life and infatuation as it comes.
Life is GRAND!
Posted at 12:13 am by LVCeline5
Jun 3, 2004
Earlier today I decided to get myself into someone elses drama. I really need to stop that! Well, you know, I guess it wasn't technically someone elses when the same thigns have been affecting me lately, too but really it wasn't my deal at the moment.
There is this guy on this forum that I visit. A while back I wanted to post about a little girl that has Cystic Fibrosis, a disease that will probably kill her before she is 30 year old or soon after that age. I had helped in a small way, in arranging a meeting with Céline Dion for this little girl and yet she didn thave the money to get there. She had a story printed in two Jacksonville papers in Florida and posters around the city leading people in Florida to make donations for this little girl. So I thought that there would be nothing better than to go to Céline's most devoted fans directly and see if they wanted to help. I was surprised to have the topic deleted and have an administrator tell me that I had no proof that this was an actual situation so that if I gave them permission I could probably post the topic. I messaged the guy who runs this message board with a link to one of the stories that was in teh paper and told him that he was more than welcome to make a phone call to the Jacksonville Chapter of teh Cystic Fibrosis Foundation and get some information. The guy messaged me back saying that he woudl not allow me to post the story or request for dontations on his site because there were so many fans that would like to meet Céline but never would have the opportunity to do so and that he had had a hard enogh time writing to Feeling Productions at all.
Basically this guy said that because other regular, not ill people would never have the chance to meet Céline and because he couldn't succeed in getting her management's attention and we could, that he was not going to let me see if anyone wanted to donate a little money to be a part of making this little girl's dream come true.
Then a friend of mine opened a forum on her website because often times her tagboard was full of people conversing. Some people who visited her site a lot and who also visit the celinecommunity forum registered on her forum which she calls the lounge. Bruno, the same guy who shot me down to post about the little girl, registered at her forum and told all of the members that if they continued to post with the other board they would be deleted and banned from the biggest online Céline Dion fan community (CC). So I got into her drama when really I should have been brave enough to confront him about my own anger and frustration.
I just don't understand why people can't get over themselves to help someone who really has a reason or really needs or deserves to meet someone-- or to have the experience of something. Why can't people put themselves aside and decide "I'll be a small part of someone else's drea come true if there is a chance that mine never will come?" I mean I just don't understand why people can't just mature and grow up. It has to be about "me" all the time in a lot of people's lives. it can't be about someone else. Even when people die these days it is about the people who have to deal with the death. We cry because we'll miss OUR loss. Not because the person is not living anymore or won't get to do things but because WE miss them and want them there? Are we just selfish beings? I keep wondering that. Why can't we all love and be loved and not just love ourselves.
I think it is right that today more and more people are thinking the wrong way. We're not focusing on anyone's happiness but our own lately. We're so concerned with "what career is right for me" or "what do I like to do?" that we don't think about things liek "How will this affect my relationship with so and so?" or "Will my kids be okay with something like this?" "What is best for everyone." Usually it is "This sounds great to me" and a lot of people suffer.
On a better note, although I am not at all feeling well, I went and got some juice from the store and they had "Rain" by snapple! One of my favorite drinks. I haven't had it in a long time and I think they just didn't make it for a while but they do again. So I got that and "Diet Air." Yum! I love Snapple products!
It's getting so close to July. I can't wait! But at the same time I need to work an incredible amount of time if I am going to have any money at all when Kelly comes out here. I suppose I could bum some money off of my mom or get a pay advance from Nicole if I really needed to but I'd feel really bad doing that with Nicole.
Anyhow.... I'm going to go ahead now and I'm going to go talk with these two gals I have on a Yahoo conversation.
Posted at 05:51 pm by LVCeline5
Jun 1, 2004
For probably the first time in my life, I am actually enjoying it! There really isn't anything that is making me feel as if there is something wrong or bothersome or anything of the sort. I feel like I can just relax and let things go the way that they are going. I feel comfortable with where I am! That is an amazing feeling!
All my life, since I was little, I have played one of my favorite games. The "What If..." game. I used to sit there as a kid asking myself and sometimes even other people "What if this happened... what would you do?" I never understood why people got so exhausted playing that game with me or why they got so frustrated. It is just something that I've always done in life. I am always thinking about what could happen and what I would do if that one scenario did happen. I am always planning what is going to happen next, what I am going to say or do or how I am going to react. I've tried to control life like that and there is no possible way to control my life. Only God can do that and you know I guess I've sort of let him take control of it lately!
It's not been about what if lately. It's been about "this is...". I think it's the first time I've been living a sort of day at a time lifestyle.
I've let go of what "everyone thinks about me." I have waisted SO much of my life wondering how people thought about me and how they would treat me if I were a certain way. I've worried about what people would think if I decided to be intentionally rude for once in my life or if I decided to wear something different or not "normal." I've stopped trying to please everyone becuase, you know, you can't please everyone! Everyone has critics; and there is nothing worse than being your own worst critic. To sit there and degrade yourself over and over again thinking "You could look so much better if only you lost x-amount of pounds." You know-- accept who you are. That's what I am doing lately. it only took me 18 years to discover and learn the art. I've not yet mastered it but I plan on doing so by the time I am hm-- we'll say 50. Haha! Give me a little extra time.
I've decided what my plan is. Obviously school is not my thing. I have hated school since I was a child. I've never related to people my own age and I always feel so uncomfortable around them. As if there is something that I have to hide or something that I have to be in order to be worthy of being around them. It's not like I'm higher above or lower than anyone else just that I don't feel quite "there" with them. I've tried for what? 15 years to try to get my mom to tell me "Marisa, honey, you don't have to go to school-- I can see you don't like it-- it's not for you!" And finally she comes out and says it my first semester in college. It became evident to her that I am not getting good grades and I am not into it. Afterbeing in school for half of a semester she realized I still had not called any friends and gone out with them. I was still me-- the loner I always have been and probably always will be-- sitting at home in front of a piece of paper, or a computer screen or a microphone doing something that was creative. And when it came to the opportunity to go and do things with "kids my age" I still had no interest. My mother actually recommended I not go to my college next semester and that instead, I go to massage school, since I am a natural at giving back massages and I enjoy it. When I do that, as soon as I get my license I can make up to $60 an hour. It's only 150 credit hours which is less than a semester of school full time. If I want a national lisence it's 550 credit hours which is still not bad. Then I can move anywhere and do anything and be licensed etceteras.
We figured it out and if, after I earn my license in massage, I massage 5 hours a day, five days a week all year long at $60 an hour I will make approximately $75000 a year. But that's just my back up. My little cushion if I fall back from what I want to and will make my primary career.
I'm going to be an actress. My first movie audition is in June. It's an independent film but many A-list Hollywood actors and actresses had their beginning in independent films as well. My mom's friend is a producer and she got me to do her a favor and be an extra in a film. She was not necessarily expecting any real talent but when I came to the screen she immediately fell in love with me--as well as the director himself. The director began talking to Sonia about how long I had been acting-- how much potential I had. As soon as I get my drivers license, Sonia is going to pull a connection at Central Casting (One of Hollywood's biggest casting companies) and she feels that I will move up in the industry rather quickly. I will start off doing some extra roles in A list films. Sonia thinks that I will need to do only three or four and then I will most likely move to a cameo. She feels that after two cameos or so I will move to a small speaking role and within a year or two, to a primary character in an A-list film. While it is all seeming too good to be true it is only because we have looked at the bigger picture. The smaller picture is just to see step by step and that means my getting my deivers lisence and being an extra or even an actual primary role in the independent film this summer as well as attending massage school in the fall during the times that I am not working.
I'm so excited that I am finding myself. I can't believe that all these years I have been so up-tight about being something that I was not. Sculpture class, I think, has really helped me to find myself. It has really relaxed me and I've been able to develop myself artistically as well as personally. I'm not afraid to wear things that are different than the hottest fashion trend, or to speak my mind or to tease a guy or flirt with them. I'm not afraid to just be who I am although sometimes I appear to be rather stupid. I like that part of me, actually. I like that I can say something ridiculous and have people laugh at it and that I can laugh at myslef with them. I'm glad that I can be made fun of now and that my feelings don't get hurt; and I love that I am learning how to take a compliment! That makes life so much easier!
But most of all I'm just accepting me as me and I'm not concerned anymore, for what people think about me. I'm not going to change myself to be more acceptable in people's eyes. That is ridiculous and something I refuse to do from this point on.
Life
is
Beautiful!
Marisa
Posted at 12:43 am by LVCeline5
Apr 24, 2004
This has been a really interesting month or two. It's been up and down and I guess just all around. There's been a lot of time for self improvement and at the same time that I really like the change it is really hard to deal with because I am extremely resistent to it and I can never make up my mind so I go back and forth between what I want and do not want.
I've spent my whole life wanting to be a singer and just about everything else famous that you can imagine and I only recently realized that I really have put nothing in to get me there. I feel like such a lazy person. My mom and everyone else that I know (almost) tell me how driven I am and I think they are mistaken. Sure I don't take no for an answer and when i really want something I get it. But when it comes to career I don't think I really DO go for it 100%.
With my singing it is a confidence issue. I used to be really confident when I moved from Wisconsin to California. I tried out for the most talented group of high school level singers. You were supposed to be in the class for at least a year before you coudl try out for "Aristocracy." My teacher insisted that I'd not be ready. She had made her decision as to whether I codl try for the group of not with less than a month to choose a song, get the accompaniment and practice the song, get your site singing skills up to par and such, when the other students had at least three months to do all of that. Time came around and I ended up being in the middle of the auditions. More than 40 students came to audition and only 12 or so were going to make it. I was not nervous. I was more excityed than anything and I got up there and I did a good job and eventually found out that I made the group without a struggle at all. I had confidence back then. I had confidence when I had to switch schools after that and was one of the most talented singers at my school because I had to be in teh regular choir because I had missed the auditions for the advanced choir at my new high school. Then the next year I went to the advanced choir at South. I had somehow lost my confidence. When it came around to do the finals for each semester (performing in front of the whole class) suddenly I was nervous. i was not excited anymore... I was scared to make a fool of myself and to not hit my notes correctly or with the right texture. When we had auditions for solos in class (randomly, we were called upon to sing the part to see if our voice fit it) and my heart would beat so fast and I woudl sound simply terrible. I've lost a lot of confidence and I don't know why. I am plannong on getting vocal training now, though. This last trip to Las Vegas was a big wake up call. I can't go making other thigns my priority... I have other things that I love to see and do and such... I need to take advantage of those.
With my acting there is absolutely no issue. I was in a movie as an extra. A b-rate movie mind you, but still a movie. The director immediately chose me to put in a scene and then after that, he chose me as often as possible ot be placed within the view of the camera. He told the producer (a friend of mine and my mom's) that he really liked me and thought that I had potential. Sonya (the producer) told me form teh very first night that I was there that I was going to be "a star." I thought that was to boost my confidence and make me feel good because she knew be but I found out that it was not just to do that at all. She asked me back for another night and I was already addicted to it. There are some people who cannot tollerate the scene being repeated over and over again with only a slight change in character or tone of voice or lighting. Some people cannot tollerate the repetetiveness of the situation or the rate at which something is produced but I loved it. I found it fascinating seeing how it all worked, hearing the titles of the different people on the scene, the sort of thigns that went on there. Sonya, since then, has asked that I try for the leading role of another film that she has coming up. After I get that film under my belt she would like to refer me to her friend at Central Casting and she feels that I would quickly move from an extra in A list films to possibly a leading role in a matter of a year or less. She has a lot of confidence in me and me too. I have been told since I was young that I was a natural actress and I hope so because I can dfinately see myself doing that for a living. I love it. My audition for the leading role of the film in June. I was given the script before it was even edited at all, have read it cover to cover and am excited to try out for such a character (I cannot share which kind at the moment) and am really honored that I was given the script so early in advance because someone has so much confidence in me that they'd like for me to try out for the movie. Not only is Sonya producing this film but she is also a casting director for it and that is why it is so flattering that she has asked me to read for the leading role because if I do it well, I have it!!!!! I'm bery excited about that!
With writing, I am always very confident and always have been in my writing abilities. Since I was very young I have had an interest in that. I remember the first book I wrote was in second grade. I titled it 'White Bunny and Brown Bunny." I still have it today. It was so cute. It was about a white bunny and a brown bunny making friends with one another and such. Recently I've had a poem published in two poetry books and read on a cd professionally. I plan on one day writing a children's book and a regular novel as well.... a screenplay or two or three or four (I really enjoy writing screenplays) and some music. I definately want to write music and record an album. Even if it is just one and it doesn't do well, i want to try and I want to see what I can do with it.
Photography is something I just do in my free time and I don't think it is something I'd be interested in doing as a profession for all of my life. I am no Anne Geddes or Ansel Adams. I'm just a me. Haha.
Dancing, Drawing, Sculpture... those are things I just want to do for fun as well and maybe make alittle extra cash off of.
Anyhow... that's career stuff. Haha. Obviously that is bothering me right now. There are so many people who I am meeting lately who are asking me 'Oh, you're in college! What's your major?" and I tell them "I don't know yet... I'm not quite sure." And they proceed to ask me "well, what do you want to do with your life." I've now become accustomed to saying that I want to do everything. People look at me like I am insane and they ask me what I mean and I say that I want to do everything artistically. Most people admire that I have such ambition but seem to think that I cannot do that. I think that I can. Maybe not all of it will be a profession but as long as I can know a little bit about everything I want to, i will be pleased. if I can draw someone that I see well enough to recognize them or paint something like Van Gogh and have it be noticable that i was attempting to have that effect then I am happy. If I can make a sculpture that someone seems enthralled and interested in and that inspires someone to think they might want to take sculpture then great. That's what I want to do. if I can make a few songs and I can release an album and have 10 people that I didnt know before then come up to me and tell me that they like my voice and that they felt something in a song then that is what I want to do. I'd love for more than that music wise, but as long as that happens, i am fine. If I can write or act or anything and inspire people then that..... THAT is what i want to do and that is what I will do. I won't stand to do anything else in my life.
I want to move into a house so badly. Just a small house with my mom. A little three bedroom or even two bedroom... with a living room, a kitchen, a dining room and a garage.... two bathrooms. I want to do this for a few reasons.
First of all... I like to listen to my music loudly and most of the time late at night is when I most feel like singing and belting out notes etcetera. We got some new neighbors that are not all too tollerant of that. The other neighbors that we have are so kind and actually enjoy hearing me singing and never have once complained to us. These new neighbors though are finnicky. I want a garage for this purpose.
If I had a garage I would save my money to buy a computer and a program to create music with. I'd get a professional grade microphone that coudl attach and hook into my computer and I'd record songs on that. I could belt out my notes late at night and not disturb neighbors or my mom and I woudl feel comfortable enough to let all of my voice come out rather than controlling it so much all the time and only letting some of the emotion come out for fear of waking the baby next door etceteras. We could also put my mom's craft stuff in there and we could have SO much more space in the house and the house woudl not get so dirty.
If we had a house that we rented, I could paint the walls in my room and make it really pretty. I'd have an excuse to get new furniture and wall shelves and I'd have a room to decorate without having our overly controlling apartment manager freak out and make rude comments to us (long story).
Two bathrooms are necessary because my mom and I can a) never agree on a style for the interior decor. b) We need our own space and do not like to share hairsprays, toothpastes, shampoos and conditioners etcetera. it's not so much mw who doesn't like to share but more my mom who has become stingy these past few years of having her own bathroom.
It would be so nice to have all of that and we probably will soon. I'm so excied!
That's all for now. I feel cleansed. Haha.
Marisa
Posted at 10:05 pm by LVCeline5
Mar 4, 2004
Today was a good day, I suppose.
I got up at 9:30 AM because I didnt have to leave to get to the bus until 12:40 so I figured that it wouldn't take me that long to get dressed and get over there; so I did wake up at 9:30 and just kinda' mosied my way around finding an outfit to wear and brusing my teeth and all that good stuff. I don't think I even listened to music this morning! After I got dressed and ready and stuff I signed into my messengers on my computer and then went and got my school bag ready. It was nice, because, I didn't have to have a huge drawing isle with me or an extra- bulky jacket to keep me warm for my astronomy lab. All I needed was my bag, and that was REALLY convenient. It's the only day of the week I get to do that...Tuesdays.
I got online and Carlo got online shortly before I had to get going to catch my bus. I showed him this website layout before I had anything typed and I sent him the link to the website about the convention and he seemed impressed by it. I'm thinking that I might send another very, very short letter to whom Carlo told me to write and give the address to the site and stuff so that she can see that I am really very serious about trying to make this work and that I'm not just some naive 18 year-old girl trying to have a party in Las Vegas. It felt nice that Carlo seemed impressed. Hopefully Celine will be impressed with the idea. Who knows! I only had about six minutes to talk to him so I wished him a good last day of vacation and then had to be off to catch my bus. I got there with just the perfect amount of time to wait for the bus. I didn't have to wait long at all!
IN sculpture, today, we had out intro to abstract sculpture. He went around and dumped scraps of wood onto each table and then told us we had two minutes to stack a sculpture that represented or portrayed a certain word. He gave four easy words where we had to all do the same word. Afterwards people would have to walk around and choose which sculptures they felt brought out teh word the best... which one evoked the most of that emotion. Out of four words, four different sculptures, someone chose mine three times! That made me feel nice. That was the easy words. He did three sets of medium difficulty. He gave us three words to choose from each time, gave us two minutes to make it and then to browse around other peoples. That time we had to know what color we would paint it and why we would paint it that or those colors. Two out of three times, my sculpture was chosen by someone to represent a certain feeling and people had to say what colors they imagined. The difficult level he gave one set of three difficult, meaningful words. He told the class that this time whoever was chosen would have to say their colors and from that the people would have to guess what word they chose. My teahcer said he wanted to start with mine so I said teh colors and he asked "how many of you think this is forlorn?" A majority of the people raised their hands. "How many of you think this is forsaken?" A smaller portion of people chose that as their choise of what they thought it represented. "Anyone think this is forgiveness?" Only one person raised their hand and they were right it was that. And that was the goal. if your art is realyl good and it is abstract only a few very critical thinkers are going to really grasp your work so that was nice. I liked that one so I'm actually painting and making it! I stayed after class and started working and a girl in the advanced class came up to me and seriously wanted me to help her do some wording on one of her things that will be used for the bronze class. The people in the advanced class like to talk to me and watch me work, which HAS to be a good thing. But the thing that kind of bums me out is that artists think their work is the greatest and that it is so meaningful. They are almost arrogant to a point. I don't think that is my niche because I don't think that way. Often times I don't like my work and it takes about 10 people telling me that they like it for me to like it as well. The people in my art class, especially the experienced artists, annoy me to death almost. They envoke a feeling of anger which is why I don't think I could be one. They tend to think very similarly and I don't know if I could ever think like that.
Drawing it is sort of the same thing. My teacher is rather impressed with what I'm doing with no previous experience, which feels really nice but again, the kind of people that i see in my classes I don't know if I fit in with them.
I'm going to go and do a little... review for "A New Day..." and talk to a few friends. it's getting late and I should be in bed pretty soon!
Thanks for readin'!
Marisa
Posted at 12:46 am by LVCeline5
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